


Evil Dong

by PalenDrome (nerdherderette)



Series: Huxloween prompts [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (that's not Hux's) tongue-in-(Kylo's)-cheek, Anal Sex, B-movie/Horror Movie AU fill, Brief mention of body horror, Coming one right after the other, Crack, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Hung!Kylo, Huxloween, Loads of groan-inducing puns, M/M, Tumblr Prompt, like seriously this is just one long dick joke, more terms for penis than you can shake a stick at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 21:16:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12541416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdherderette/pseuds/PalenDrome
Summary: Hux has a hatred of horror movies. Kylo does what he can to make Hux feel better.Pure crack. (As in Kylo’s).[excerpt]:The levity fades from Kylo’s eyes as he does exactly that.  He steals a glance at Hux and notices for the first time that his eyes are wide, fists are clenched, and that his chest is fluttering with his rapid and shallow breaths."Hey," he says again, his thumb stroking along the curve of Hux's cheek. "Were you scared?" His expressive eyes hold no trace of mischief, only guilt and concern.Hux looks away. "Let's just say that I’ll never be able to look at another cock in the same way again."





	Evil Dong

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this for 2016’s [@Huxloween](http://huxloween.tumblr.com/), but despite its short length, I wasn't able to edit it in time for last year's fest. I found it in my files, dusted it off, and ~~cleaned~~ dirtied it up a bit. So here it is, **Huxloween 2017 Prompt #29**...(hopefully) better late than never.
> 
> This piece of work would never have seen the light of day without the encouragement of my enabler, [kyluxtrashcompactor](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kyluxtrashcompactor/pseuds/kyluxtrashcompactor)
> 
> Title based on the (not-so) classic horror film: _Evil Bong_ (2006)

 

* * *

  Hux squints; the pale lashes framing his half-lidded eyes do little to filter the unnatural, bluish light that flickers in the dark, especially when it’s being emitted from a screen the size of Tallahassee. It’s a small token of salvation that's snatched away much-too-frequently by the jittery camera angles, deserted rooms, and blood-curdling screams.

His fingers dig repeatedly into the crisscrossed fibers of the second-hand couch. The fabric feels smooth under his white-knuckled grip—well-worn and threadbare, with the exception of the ochre-stained, low-density foam that threatens to spill out from the expanding perforations underneath.

On the third Friday of every month, Hux is destined to open up those spaces a wee bit more.  In general, he enjoys movie nights. His appreciation for the different genres run wide: action-adventure; Westerns; comedy; dramas; romance; sci-fi. He even puts up with the occasional xenophilic film, although he would just as soon place them in the “comedy” category, with their often horrendous overdubbing or distracting subtitles. But the one category which makes his stomach clench and his palms sweat, speeding his heart rate and breathing as if he’d just completed a five-mile race, are _horror films._

Figures he'd have a boyfriend who absolutely loves them.

Even now, as the music crescendos, the dissonant tremolos of the violins skittering against the sonorous organ swells, the camera pans down a dark, dripping and pipe-lined corridor at which point Kylo leans forward and _laughs._

"Come on!" Kylo shouts, shoving a fistful of popcorn indelicately into his mouth and waving his fist at the screen.  Hux winces as a meaty paw pulls on his arm, displacing the hand he had strategically positioned in front of his face in order to shield his gaze.

"Can you believe that?" Kylo snorts, his braying laugh and twitching ears making him appear more and more like a jackass every minute.  "Who does that?! The exit's in the other direction, but _noooo._ Let's run down this deserted hallway instead."

"Really," Hux scoffs. He takes a deep breath to fight the squeaking of his voice as he struggles to put up a brave front.  "Even a drunken bantha would have more sense than that."  

To be honest, the whole premise was _absurd._ A guy whose life was made miserable because of—well, the smallish size of his prick—decides to exact his revenge in a number of creative ways. Sixty minutes into this piece of absolute B-movie drivel, he's hacked, buzzsawed, bit, twisted, squeezed and axed the formerly impressive schlongs of his tormentors, stitching them together to create one humongous and insatiably evil dong.

A diabolical dick, if you will. A sinister shaft. A malevolent member. A wicked wingwang.

A hellish hose.

The whole thing would have been laughable if Hux didn't feel as if his own balls and cock were retreating in a manner that should have been anatomically impossible. As it was, he felt vulnerable and bare, with his manhood lying soft and limp against the inside of his thigh and only the flimsy cotton of his boxers to protect it from any harm.

Granted, his prick wasn’t the size of Kylo’s. But it was still a pretty prick, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of—pink and long, and just the right amount of thick. If Hux looked at it objectively, it was a pecker that no self-respecting phallus enthusiast would ever consider neglecting.

"Oh my God, Hux," Kylo whispers eagerly as the Dr. Frankenstein of Weenies pins down his squirming and not-long-for-this-world tormentor.  "This is the last bully left! How do you think he's going to die?” His mouth breaks into a maniacal grin. “Have his face fucked until he literally chokes on it? Or take it up the ass until his intestines rip apart?!"

Kylo's voice is hoarse and tinged with excitement as his hand creeps slowly up Hux's leg. Those thick fingers give Hux’s balls a gentle squeeze, which coincides with the swing of the madman’s pickaxe and the sound of a shrill and inhuman scream.

That scream...Hux thinks it very well, maybe, possibly, could have been…

Okay. It was _definitely_ him.

"Hey, babe. What's wrong?" Kylos asks as his hand stills. He reaches across with his other arm and grasps blindly at the remote in order to pause the movie.

Hux tries not to dwell on the fact that the screen has frozen on the image of a meter-long, King Kong-sized dong in the clutches of the killer's bloody hands.

"Do you mind turning that off, Ren?" Hux grits out, finally turning his head.

The levity fades from Kylo’s eyes as he does exactly that.  He steals a glance at Hux and notices for the first time that his eyes are wide, fists are clenched, and that his chest is fluttering with his rapid and shallow breaths.

"Hey," he says again, his thumb stroking along the curve of Hux's cheek. "Were you scared?"  His expressive eyes hold no trace of mischief, only guilt and concern.

Hux looks away. "Let's just say that I’ll never be able to look at another cock in the same way again."

"Well, hopefully there's only one that you have to worry about," Kylo teases, thrusting and wriggling his hips.

Hux watches as the outline of Kylo's anaconda twitches, its massive form starting to fill out the front of his sweats...

Even though the dimensions of the movie’s satanic schlong are humanly impossible, the qualities of Ren's own custard launcher are not that far off in certain respects.  Hux has always been a size queen, and despite his lingering unease, he feels the stirrings of lust as his tallywacker begins to swell.

"It's not being impaled by a massive prick that worries me," Hux clarifies.  "It's..." He looks down at his own dick.

Kylo's eyes alight with understanding.  His hand moves slowly, stroking along the shaft of Hux's rapidly hardening and now, apparently, eager-to-play skinflute.

"You're mine," Kylo says fiercely, a possessive look on his face.  "No one's coming near this gorgeous package except for me."

"Kylo," Hux whines, slowly canting his hips.

"I wouldn't let anything happen to you," Kylo adds, nuzzling the crook of Hux's neck.

"You can't be with me all the time," Hux protests as he begins to rut against Kylo's fist. He knows it's just a movie, but having his boyfriend talk him down from his fear is proving nearly as effective a technique as the hand that is now brilliantly wielding his hammer.  "Even if you were standing next to me, all the killer needs is a split second before—" He grimaces as he makes a slicing motion with his index finger across the base of his prick.

"I’ve a solution to your problem," Kylo says suggestively, straddling Hux's hips.  "I’d make sure that sweet cum gun of yours is holstered and protected at all times."

Hux's eyes widen as Kylo feverishly works to remove both their pants. Hux’s cock springs out, beautifully pink and weeping. Kylo repositions himself over Hux, his purpled, priapic python jutting out in front of him as Hux’s impatient todger situates itself firmly within the cleft of Kylo's delicious, jiggling cheeks.

Kylo’s next words are spoken in a throaty whisper. "I'd give your delicious dicksicle somewhere safe to hide. Protect that spectacular spitstick from the big, bad man."

 _"Yesss,"_ Hux moans. He doesn’t top very often, preferring the feel of Ren's huge dick stretching him out instead. But tonight he needs to feel Ren surrounding him, embracing him with all his gentle strength.

He leans into Kylo. He glories in the solidity of that broad chest, and the thickness of those massive arms as they wrap around his thin frame to hold him close. Hux grabs some lube from the side table and slicks his tool, then squirts some more into his palm as his fingers get ready to trace the outline of Ren's delicate hole.

Kylo’s large hand wraps firmly around Hux’s wrist.

"No," he gasps. "If I had to protect you, there’d be no time for prep." He angles himself over Hux’s greased-up fuckpole; Hux’s cockhead briefly catches the rim and then Kylo bottoms out in a single, breathtaking stroke.

Hux moans as Ren sinks. Kylo is so tight and dry, the friction of his channel grips onto Hux’s shaft like it won't ever let him go. He shudders as Kylo begins to ride him; the head of his ginormous gherkin is leaking and flushed, and periodically spears Hux’s belly as the two of them quickly find a steady rhythm, their bodies rocking back and forth.

The sensations are too great—everything is focused deliciously on the area around his groin, where the meaty flesh of Kylo’s buttocks bounce and spread against Hux’s thighs, and Kylo’s monstrous member bobs with each and every thrust. Kylo tips his head back, his long neck arched and full lips parted as his ass clenches around Hux’s peri-climactic peen, and Hux keens, unable to stave off his release any longer.

He reaches down and grabs Kylo's cock, his hand flying over that turgid shaft, frantically jerking him off.

"Come with me," he urges as he feels his balls tighten and squeeze. Kylo leans in and devours Hux’s mouth, and it is the warmth of his breath and the sweet taste of his tongue slicked with butter and salt that makes Hux come with a shout.

 _“Fuuuuck!”_ he cries. The expletive is drowned in their ensuing grunts as he spills hotly into Kylo’s hole, while Kylo paints both their bellies in thick ropes of come.

A feeling of languor washes over him. Hux gives a couple more half-hearted thrusts, resting his head in the crook of Kylo’s shoulder, the fringe of his hair hiding his shy smile as their breaths slowly even out.

Several minutes later, the movie has clicked off while the screen returns to the serene blue of the DVD’s menu. Yet even when Hux's prick softens and his seed begins to trickle out of Kylo in a slow and sticky slide, Kylo manages to clench his cheeks and hold Hux tight.

“Better?” The heat of Kylo’s mouth blows gently over Hux’s sweaty skin. It makes Hux shiver, but this time, it’s the good sort.

“Yes. Much.” He wriggles a bit, shifting his left arm, currently trapped between Kylo’s hip and the couch. Kylo angles his body to ease the way but rests his hand proprietarily against the arch of Hux’s back, never once relinquishing his hold.

"I told you, I'm not letting go," he murmurs, his lips tracing kisses along the rim of Hux's ear as he nips and sucks.

Hux lets out a contented sigh. He might be persuaded to give these slasher films another try, as long as Kylo is willing to do whatever's necessary to ensure his safety. Kylo’s body is a God-given gift, and one that seems particularly well-suited to serve and protect.

The thought causes Hux’s ravenous rod to stir. He repositions himself under Kylo, his thumb brushing up against the head of Kylo’s precious, precocious, and praise-worthy penis, grinning when it responds to his ministrations with a valiant and promising twitch.

Hux rewards him with a wicked smile. Perhaps horror movie night isn't such a bad idea, after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo...should this have stayed buried (like Hux's cock)?
> 
> *Come say "hi" on [Tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nerdherderette)


End file.
